In Juxtaposition
"Creativity is that marvelous capacity to grasp mutually distinct realities and draw a spark from their juxtaposition." - Max Ernst
JUXTAPOSITION (n.)
: the act or an instance of placing two or more things side by side, often to compare or contrast, or to create an interesting effect
also : the state of being so placed1
This…newsletter? blog? memoir? journal? correspondence?…is very much a blind expedition through unfamiliar terrain, which, actually, is a fairly good descriptor for my newly-relocated life in general at the moment…at least, in some ways…I am ever cognizant of the fact that what seems perfectly reasonable to me seems like painful melodrama to some others, and vice versa. So who knows? Maybe from your perspective I totally have all my shit together and really have nothing to fret about.
But, as is human nature: fret I fucking do. Sometimes (often) out loud. Sometimes (often) I don’t even know I’m doing it. I also fret silently—inside my own body. This is the worse kind of fretting; vicious and insidious, paralyzing me, making me feel powerless and victimized and entrenched in the mud and viscera of impossible choices. The kind of fretting that, after 33 years of unobstructed echoing through my psyche, makes the descriptor “mud and viscera impossible choices” seem like a totally reasonable way of describing a life in which I have just purchased my first home, celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary, have a work-from-home job that pays well and values me highly, and am an objectively capable and well-equipped-to-handle-shit person. I’m just also really fucking neurotic. But I hear that’s not unusual…right? Right???
Anyway…blind expedition through unfamiliar terrain….
And because I’m so fucking neurotic, about a year ago I started going to therapy again. It’s not the first time, but it’s definitely the BIGGEST time, if you know what I mean. This round of therapy has also been a blind expedition through unfamiliar terrain; an analogy I may unpack in greater detail at another time. But the point I want to make is this: I find I enjoy exploring myself. Both therapy and this…project, whatever it is…share an essential quality of journey-within-ness. That is the point of them; to discover myself. To uncover myself. To recover myself.
But an essential quality that this project has, which therapy does not, is journey-with-other-ness. This project, Juxtaposition, is public. Therapy isn’t. For Juxtaposition, the public-ness is the point of it; the commitment involved in actualizing and bringing forth and making real my Self in front of everyone. In front of You. Who even are You? I don’t know You. But here You are, learning about me, getting to know me, hearing from me intimately in a way that…like…pretty much just my therapist does right now. How does that make You feel? I hope it makes You feel kind of special. It sure makes me feel special that You are here, taking the time to know me.
So this blind expedition through unfamiliar terrain is, among other things, a Juxtaposition of me and You. An encounter, or the opportunity for one, which may or may not change Us. How am I different from You? How are we the same? How do we each experience the world, and how can we communicate those experiences to each other in greatest and truest detail? How can we know each other? How can we Know each other? How can we be Known? And how can being Known by others help us know our Selves?
Anyway, anyway…let that be the end of meaningfully capitalized words for a while. While poetic, and genuinely helpful to illustrate my intention, it’s a bit pretentious.
Let us instead turn toward the more practical matters of how I don’t remotely know what I’m doing…
Like how I can’t yet promise you a regular publication schedule.
Or how I don’t really know what things I will write about.
Or, frankly, I don’t know if my thoughts and words are even worth your attention. But I trust you can judge that for yourself.
In all honesty, although Juxtaposition has been an intention of mine for weeks now, this introductory essay was written in a hasty fit of inspiration that I was pretty sure would never come. For all I know I’ll wake up tomorrow unable to string two words together, in which case, I hope you enjoyed it! It was fun while it lasted.
But my intention is to continue on; to nail a map of my authentic Self to the wall of the internet, and to make it impossible to pretend I’m anyone else. I hope you will join me in Juxtaposition with one-another. It’s pretty awkward standing here all by myself.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/juxtaposition
I think this is an awesome introductory essay! And I admire your commitment to find and present an authentic self in the public forum of the internet. I look forward to reading some of your other pieces in due time :)