Sometimes, I just can’t make myself do something. Like right now, I just can’t make myself write this entry. My inner experience have been tumultuous lately and I haven’t managed to sufficiently internalize it, so of course I can’t really externalize any of it for you yet either.
I want things. I want big big things, and I don’t know how to get them. Or how to pull myself out of the existential quicksand I feel stuck in. There’s a lot of flailing about and a lot of swearing.
The phrase “bull in a china shop” comes to mind, but like…the bull and the china shop are both Me and I can’t decide whether to focus on protecting the fragile things inside the china shop, or yelling at the bull to calm the fuck down, or begging it to please fucking leave, or waving my red cape in its face to see how mad it can actually get. Or whether I should focus on breaking literally everything including that obnoxious human with a red cape who won’t stop yelling at me.
When maybe the answer is just to throw a god damn tea party for it! The bull can’t put on its own tiara or pour its own tea—it has no thumbs!
Anyway…I’m not sure what any of that means, but if it means something to you, please share.